I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
