I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
