I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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