I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
