the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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