Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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