Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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