Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
