i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
