so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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