Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
All the doctor said was why
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
