I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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