your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Can you repeat that, but with context?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
