3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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