Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
