Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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