Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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