I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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