There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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