and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
