The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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