Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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