i wish peter jackson would direct porn
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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