Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
