dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
