Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
