I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
