So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
