I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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