this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
