member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
