stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
