you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
