She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
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She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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