Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
