I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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