I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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