my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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