I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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