thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
