you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
