Umm I'm too high to move.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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