Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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