I think i peed on brittanys purse
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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