I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
