I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
They should really pass out barf bags in church
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
