I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
