I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
