Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
