he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
