Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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