the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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