matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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