can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
