college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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