I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
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After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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