He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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