He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.