I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?