If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
